Have I driven him away again? I'm certain that I have. I've mocked him, scolded him, left him to the dirt. I've not loved him. I've not loved anyone since?... Since?... I don't know when.
I'm an existentialist. I'm only good when I'm alone and I push all away eventually. That's what he keeps telling me. I'm so good at it, that I don't even know I'm doing it. I like to prize myself for being like Kyra Sedgwick, questioning everything, like I'm some kind of miracle interrogator from the CIA or something. I'm nothing. I don't exist. I'm nothing to anybody. I won't let myself be. That's what I am. Nothing.
Why is that?
I won't take fake love. I don't care how gorgeous you are. I won't have it, I won't produce it and I won't foster it. You can bet your life on that. If it's not true, I'll know. And I know. He doesn't want to be here and I don't want him here. How simple is that? The relationship could work perfectly if we were exactly as we are, not together. But for me to pretend to be together, I have to be completely non-bonded because I have no faith.
To punish him for this, is no right of mine, but I'd like to, since it was all his idea. I kept telling him. "You don't love me. You don't want this. You just don't want me to think, you don't want this. You can't change my mind anymore."
Have I said too much?

Big T was here 6:32 PM
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