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There. That was easy.
I took off...My clothes? As of New Year's Day (in my country), I became a slightly different person. I realized I never want to be anyone's wife. I never want to be anyone's awaiting slave. I never want to be in love again. In this diary, I will put it straight once and for all. Loneliness is not bad. I mean, it's a natural state really. For me, it's a way of life. My mother would hear me cry in the morning and come and take me out of my crib and put me on the floor and leave me there and would shut the door. That is probably the most defining moment of life and my personality. And also, the most painful, because it's recurring. I adjust immediately. I can't stop to think about it. It'll ruin me, but I will say this, no matter what, or with who, I'm alone in my room, with the door shut. How dare I have the nerve to tell him, "It's not worth the wait."
****************** Letting go of all this pain and heartache, is going to be very unproductive, because with it I created something wonderful for myself. A book, a non-fictional account of all the lies and double standards and treacherous mind games that I have encountered throughout my life. It's called American Whore...Courting the Criminal Element and Finding God (excerpt) I felt like I was trying too hard to understand what love was suppose to be with him, because it wasn't what I thought it should be. It was this weird, twisted thing that involved allot of beer, kinky sex and yard sales. It wasn't secure; there were never any guarantees. And the only reason I was trying to stay faithful is because I wanted to prove I could do it for myself. I had a plan and I carried it out. I stayed faithful to the worst possible mate I could for almost five years. In my mind, he was the worst possible mate. I couldn't help but let him know that. I mean after so much forgiving and forgetting, it’s really time to take stock in the situation. ********************************** Too bad it's over. Maybe I'll do as my friend in New York suggests and turn it into a screenplay. I need to finish what I start.
All my friends seem to have no worries. They are fearless. Should I follow their example? I won't look back. I won't compare. I won't even question. I'm going to sit in this chair and go public with my feelings... Oh my God! Gasp! Gazing out over the breezy, rocky cliff's edge, I stand... A moment of nausea. The earth spins slowly with my feet planted firmly on the surface. But if I let go... If I jump... The earth may spin wildly out of control... And I may never want to land or walk that surface again. My face writhes, dropping immediate tears... It's okay. It's not trivial. It's okay. "Do it! Do it!" Like Ben Stiller says in Starsky and Hutch, "Doooit!" Okay...Here goes... This is the end of the world as I know it. 
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It's ALL or nothing InfoManiac... I'm cold, unattached, even inside a relationship and will sacrifice self happiness for the greater good... Experience in; Investigations, Computer Technologies, Marketing & Research, Writing, Film Composition, Video Editing, Digital Conversion What's behind your name? 04.01.05 09.01.05 13.01.05 16.01.05 25.01.05 27.01.05 31.01.05 03.02.05 05.02.05 06.02.05 08.02.05 12.02.05 18.02.05 21.02.05 05.04.05 28.05.05 04.06.05 18.06.05 01.07.05 25.07.05 31.07.05 18.09.05 05.10.05 15.10.05 15.11.05 22.11.05 01.12.05 07.12.05 21.12.05 10.04.06 12.04.06 13.04.06 13.05.06 14.05.06 16.06.06 22.06.06 23.06.06 07.07.06 23.07.06 28.05.07 09.11.08 07.12.08 24.12.08 31.12.08 06.01.09 05.12.10 28.01.11 04.03.11 23.03.11 27.03.11 28.03.11 08.05.12 26.09.12 30.11.12 02.12.12 03.12.12 19.02.13  This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License. Maddog's Doggie Style simply luscious A Star is Born a gallery of plush conscious |
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